i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
This is my gift to your gina
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
