we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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