He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I don't deserve a penis
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
