Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
