His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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