I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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