I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
