I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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