whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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