She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
