Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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