I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
