i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
