I could have mohawked her pubes.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
