I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
This is classic penis vs brain.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
