I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
