fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
