Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
