i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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