The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
