Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
