Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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