I just pynch a tree in the face
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
