Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
