She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
