he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
