My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
