i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
