Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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