Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
