I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
