rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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