Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
