you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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