just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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