I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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