Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
