Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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