I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't deserve a penis
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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