Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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