don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
