You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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