He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
