I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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