I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
