How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
