Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
what day is it and did you see me today?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
