FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
