Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
People in love make me want to vomit
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
