I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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