I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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