so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
