The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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